Enough

I had a moment of panic tonight - in fact, I can still feel my heart racing. After waiting all day for my student loan payments to auto-debit, I login to my account - and see numbers screaming at me that are DOUBLE what I thought I owed! Money's been tight lately, but I had these payments all planned out - so how could this be?! I felt like bursting into tears...but I tried to stay calm. Upon further investigation, the monthly payment was what I thought it should be - but since the auto debit was still "pending" according to my bank (due to snow? who knows...) it was past the due date and so my "minimum payment due" was listing the amount for both months combined.

Whew. What a relief to discover that I did not in fact owe more money than I had! But it gave me a moment of insight into the stress caused by poverty. If this one scare caused me such panic and distress, I cannot imagine what it must feel like to carry that constant weight of not knowing if you'll have enough - or knowing for a fact that you won't have enough, and trying to do whatever you can to somehow make ends meet. In the academic world "social stress theory" demonstrates how the extreme and constant stress experienced simply by living in poverty has significant and lasting impacts on people's physical, mental and emotional health - and every aspect of their life. Poverty literally makes you sicker - and decreases your quality of life in so many ways.

I have had the privilege to grow up and live most of my 26 years without having to worry about how I'm going to pay my bills. I have always had enough, and most of the time more than enough. It is only recently that this has become something that I must be more conscious of - and ironically, even as I have been worrying about making my student loan payments, I have also been convicted of all of the "excess" that I have. I have multiple coats, scarves and gloves to choose from when going out in the cold - even though the farthest I have to go is from my house to my car. I have a car, making transportation something I don't have to think about, rather than an impossible barrier. I can afford to turn my heat on, even if I keep it low. I can't truthfully say "there's no food in the house" - even if I've run out of leftovers, my cupboards and freezer still have plenty. I have extra medicine, shampoo, umbrellas, you name it - and extra clothes that I have to periodically get rid of! And perhaps most importantly, I have the social supports available to help me when I do come up short, rather than being at the mercy of creditors.

In short, I really have no idea what it feels like to live in poverty - I have a privileged life, which I am grateful for, but which also gives me greater responsibility. Somewhere Jesus talks about how if you have two cloaks and your brother has none, you are stealing from him. I feel like this is Jesus' challenge to me as well. As I become more conscious of the limits of my material resources, the temptation is to hold onto them. Yet in recognizing all that I have been given, I want to be just as willing to give it away - trusting that God will continue to provide me with enough, and knowing that my "excess" can be someone else's "enough".

A posture of giving...
Courtesy of Catholic Lane

Grateful

Last Christmas, a friend gave me a "gratefulness journal," which I was supposed to use with special attention to things I am grateful for. I pulled it out several months later to use as a therapeutic tool, at the suggestion of my counselor. There really is something that changes inside of you when you take the time to focus on and list the things that you are grateful for. Flipping through it now, I am struck most by the entries where gratitude was found even amidst a bad day or a difficult circumstance.

It's funny how that takes me back in time, and makes me even more grateful for where I am right now. Tonight was one of those nights that I couldn't help smiling and thinking to myself, "I love my life!" Nothing extraordinary happened - just relishing a night at home, doing my dishes in my slippers, rocking out to some good tunes and spontaneously making a new recipe. But these are often the times when I get to reflect, and see anew that life is good.

My life is not perfect, far from it - there are plenty of things that make me tired or grumpy or stressed out. But there are so many things I am grateful for. I have a job that enlivens me and allows me to pursue my passions. I have the privilege of being back in school, wrestling with the big questions and learning how to change the world. I have a home that is both my refuge and a gathering place for friends. I have a crazy/wonderful cat who keeps me company. I have enough of all that I need - and often more than enough.

And most of all, my life is full of people who care about me, and who I care deeply about. Whether in far-flung places or just up the street, I feel so privileged to share life with the amazing people who are my friends, my family, my community. You inspire me, encourage me, support me and make me laugh - and for this I am eternally grateful :)

A card I received from a friend this Thanksgiving :)