Singled Out

I get the same incredulous look when I have the audacity to make either of the following statements: "I'm going on vacation by myself," and "I am single." To respond to the disbelief and assert that I LIKE both of these arrangements - well, let's just say the vacation is an easier sell. Is it truly so hard to believe that not only do I prefer to go to the beach to enjoy some relaxation in solitude, but that I also choose to happily live my life without a significant other? I've found that this is indeed quite a stretch for most people I've encountered.

Which is why I found a kindred spirit in Dr. Bella DePaulo, another happily single woman who has dedicated her professional career to studying and writing about single people. Her book, "Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After" was a breath of fresh air, using both personal anecdotes and a load of scientific research to debunk all of the myths that are being daily perpetuated about single people.

Through those pages, I saw myself and my life reflected. From identifying with (and at times laughing out loud to!) the frustrating micro-aggressions that are all too common, to hearing the stories of other women and men whose lives are full of meaningful work, relationships and pursuits sans marriage partner, I felt affirmed and valued. Sometimes I feel a bit akin to an alien that has been dropped into this world of "matrimania" (Dr. DePaulo's word) and forced to adapt...but in these pages, I found my "mothership".

Let me be quick to say that I am not knocking partnership or marriage - even just this weekend, I have celebrated both marriages and engagements, and do not wish to detract anything from those who choose to make this commitment to one another. What I object to, however, is the societal notion that this is the only logical pursuit - and the only supremely valued relationship.

At another wedding recently, someone asked me: "So, do you have any special people back in Harrisburg?" I replied, with a smile: "I have many special people back in Harrisburg!" Which is absolutely true. I have friends who are like family to me, with whom I share backyard space, kitchen ingredients, meals, laughter and love. I have a job that aligns with my passions for eliminating racism and empowering women, which I pour myself into and find much fulfilment in. I am part of a neighborhood, a city and a church community which I deeply value, and which values me. I love my life, and I love being single; that is not something I should have to explain or justify. It is a badge that I wear with honor - something that I refuse to be ashamed of.

Enjoying sun, sand and solitude at the beach :)

Rewriting the "Love Story" Script

I face this dilemma every few weeks. Wanting to watch a movie to chill out, but as I browse through the options I realize yet again that it's almost impossible to find anything that does not center around romance. I used to be a sucker for these films - "chick flicks" were a staple for me in college, and yes I wept when I first watched "The Notebook". Even after college I had my favorites - "Save the Last Dance," "13 Going on 30," etc. But during the past several years I've developed a lower and lower tolerance for these types of films.

Even some movies that remain among my favorites disappoint me with their adherence to the traditional Hollywood story-arche. "Eat, Pray, Love" I adore, but did her personal journey of self-discovery and healing have to end with falling in love? "Under the Tuscan Sun" did a beautiful job of showing a woman rebuilding her life and finding "family" in nontraditional ways - so why was it necessary for her to end up with a guy to be truly "happy"? Same with "Bridesmaids," also a favorite - her journey of letting go as her best friend gets married is powerful, and she didn't need to drive off with a cop at the end for it to be a good story.

All of these films disappoint me because they have so much potential to show the lives of strong, empowered women - yet without fail end up resorting to the same trite tactics; the search for romantic love and resolution with a "happily ever after". This only perpetuates the lie that women are not complete by themselves and cannot ever be happy without a man (which is also very heterosexist, by the way). It's also disappointing to me because I do not see myself in any of these movies or storylines. 

You see, this heightened critique of my movie choices has mirrored a stronger stance on my singleness as I have gotten older. In college or shortly thereafter, these movies didn't bother me as much because in many ways I was still buying into this fairy tale of meeting "The One" - so could more easily place myself into these films and imagine myself falling in love and living happily ever after.

Yet the more I observed real relationships develop around me, the more I recognized the complexities of "love" outside of Hollywood. I saw, yes, the happiness that significant others bring to eachother, the love and commitment they share, the beautiful ways that these things are symbolized at their weddings - and I celebrated those. But I also saw the differences of opinion that arise, the deep ways that people who love eachother can hurt eachother, and the huge amount of time and mental and emotional energy required to invest into that kind of relationship.

And so I decided that that's not what I want. I want to be single. I have no desire to enter the dating world (online or otherwise), subjecting myself to all of the angst and awkwardness that accompanies it; nor do I particularly want a significant other, the end-goal of that process. I have lots of significant others - friends who are like family to me, who know me and care for me deeply and who are part of my everyday life. I have a life that I love - work that is meaningful and which I feel is making a difference in my small part of the world; the opportunity to be a student again as I pursue my Master's degree; a church family where I feel connected and invested; a neighborhood and city that I'm committed to; a home this is both my sanctuary and a place of hospitality. What more could a girl want?

Hollywood's answer would be "someone to share it with" - but I am rewriting the script. I am whole and complete, not lacking anything, as my friend Brooke wrote. I am happy, I am FREE! I recall a conversation with friends several years ago about what makes us most free to love. For some, it is being in a committed, romantic relationship - and for those who are or are seeking that, more power to you! For me, it is being single - free to pour my energies into loving the people in my life and doing the things I am called to do. Write a movie about that, Hollywood!

V-Day

I've never been a huge fan of Valentine's Day - at least not since I was a kid. I remember sitting at the kitchen table with my mom when I was young and making loads of "Valentines" with red paper and doilies to send to friends far and near. It was exciting at that time - a way to send symbols of love across the miles. I also remember learning about its origins - how it was named after St. Valentine, a martyred Roman saint - a piece of history certainly not broadcast by Hallmark.

However, in 3rd grade I started to understand what Valentine's Day was really about. In my class we all exchanged "Valentines," as is the elementary school tradition, but there was talk flying around among the girls about who got the biggest Valentines from the boys. I was never one of the girls that boys paid a lot of attention to, so that was my first inkling that this was really what the holiday came down to.

And now, almost 20 years later, very little has changed. At work, there's a buzz among the women about who's getting flowers and chocolates delivered from their husbands or boyfriends. People compare plans for the evening - ordering a pizza and watching a movie at home, or getting all decked out for a nice dinner.

Although I have been secure in my singleness for quite a while now, this Valentine's Day made me ask the question that often comes up. What are the rest of us, chopped liver? For those who don't have a significant other, why is there an entire holiday that excludes us? Because that's how I felt, excluded.

Sure, people say that Valentine's Day is an opportunity to tell the people you care about that you love them no matter what your relationship status - and I usually try to do that in some manner or another. But really, the whole purpose is to exalt this idea of romantic love - and romantic love only. That is communicated very clearly in the commercials, advertising, cards - and certainly Hallmark et al are playing it up to make a huge profit, creating this expectation of doing something (and buying something) special for your "honey".

Let me be clear - I do not need flowers and chocolates and some fancy night out to feel loved, although I like those things as much as the next person. And my life is certainly full and complete without a significant other - but I take issue with a holiday that communicates to me the opposite. I dislike being told that I "need" some guy to give me these things in order to have a "good" Valentine's Day - the subtle implication that being single is not good enough; that my life by itself it not worth celebrating.

So the next time someone gets the bright idea to create a holiday in honor of a death saint to celebrate love, let's make an effort to celebrate ALL the kinds of love rather than just this one narrow definition. Let's make "love" something that truly reaches and encompasses everyone, rather than leaving some of us out in the cold.