The Gifts of Imperfection

That's the title of the book I've just started reading by Brene Brown, which has come at the perfect time (no pun intended). Lately, I have been very aware of my imperfections - my shortcomings at work, my failures as a friend, my inability to keep my house clean.

I'm not usually a self-critical person, but I've been noticing even stupid things like my hair growing out and the zit on my forehead, and I feel this frustration building up inside of me - of not being who I want to be, of not measuring up; in short, not being perfect.

It's funny, because I don't expect anyone else in my life to be perfect - not my friends, not my family, not the people I work with - because I know that we as human beings are not perfect; that's part of the human condition. However, I inexplicably seem to hold myself up to a different standard - an impossibly high one.

Even though I, too, am merely human, I expect myself to never mess up, to never make mistakes, to be successful in every part of my life - to immerse myself in my work and not leave the office until everything is done and done right; to be present with my friends, checking in regularly, listening and being supportive through all of life's joys and sorrows; to keep up with my housecleaning, laundry and cooking so that my home is a neat and hospitable place.

These seem like pretty basic "life" things to be able to do, so on the face of it it does not seem like an impossible standard. Which is why I feel like a failure when there are not enough hours in the work-day to complete everything on my to-do list; when weeks go by without catching up with friends who are really important to me; when my dishes pile up, I'm scrounging around for clean clothes and can't figure out what to cook for dinner. What should be simple and easy at times feels impossibly hard to accomplish...and I wonder if I will ever "succeed" at this thing called life. 

It's hard for me to accept that I'm not perfect - that it's not a matter of trying harder, being more organized, pushing through. I'm not perfect, and it's ok. I am human, and I will make mistakes; I will fall short, I will not be "enough". Yet, I will not be defined by my successes or my failures.

I think there's this myth that we can "have it all" - excel in our career, have a robust social life, stay on top of everything at home - and perhaps some people can. But there are trade-offs - if I pour more time and energy into one area of my life, the other areas are going to suffer.

I can always tell when it's been an intense week at work, because I come home with little energy for seeing people, and instead hibernate - watching Netflix before passing out, after eating what may or may not be a nutritious dinner. My dishes pile up and the laundry goes unfolded.

Now don't get me wrong, I love what I do and I am so grateful to have found a job that aligns so well with my passions and allows me to use my skills towards the greater good. There's no place I'd rather be, and nothing else I'd rather be doing. But when those intense weeks become the norm, I realize that there is a cost.

I was talking about this with a friend of mine recently, saying that if I had a significant other or even a roommate, I would probably not work as much as I do - because that person would feel the impact. But since it's just me, I said that by working late I'm not giving up anything on the other end. But she reminded me that I am - that I'm giving up my "me" time, my ability to spend time with friends and to care for my home and myself.

So part of my imperfection is that my life has been lopsided - and I haven't realized what it's been costing me. This realization comes at a good time, though, just as work will be returning to a more normal pace. I won't have the same pressures that have been present the past number of months, and I am looking forward to hitting the "reset" button to find a better balance.

I'm looking forward to intentionally spending more time with friends, and nurturing the relationships with those closest to me. The people who ground me, who support me, who challenge me, who love me and who make me laugh - they are my life-blood, and it's no wonder I've felt anemic without them.

I'm looking forward to taking more time to care for my home - because I feel so much better when my space is clean and organized, and can be a welcoming place for others. I can't wait to bring some order to the chaos, and get back into better rhythms for keeping it that way.

The beauty of this is that it's not a zero-sum game - all of these different pieces of my life are interconnected, so if I spend more time with friends I will feel more inspired at work - and when I am inspired at work I will have more energy to spend time with friends (or clean my house)! Each should flow into one another, not sap energy from the rest.

So this is my intent - yet I don't want to set up, again, impossible standards for myself and then beat myself up when I fall short. So I will try to hold these intentions with open hands - to seek them without striving too hard. I will try to see each step forward as a gift - and each step back as a reminder of my own, imperfect humanity.

Singled Out

I get the same incredulous look when I have the audacity to make either of the following statements: "I'm going on vacation by myself," and "I am single." To respond to the disbelief and assert that I LIKE both of these arrangements - well, let's just say the vacation is an easier sell. Is it truly so hard to believe that not only do I prefer to go to the beach to enjoy some relaxation in solitude, but that I also choose to happily live my life without a significant other? I've found that this is indeed quite a stretch for most people I've encountered.

Which is why I found a kindred spirit in Dr. Bella DePaulo, another happily single woman who has dedicated her professional career to studying and writing about single people. Her book, "Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After" was a breath of fresh air, using both personal anecdotes and a load of scientific research to debunk all of the myths that are being daily perpetuated about single people.

Through those pages, I saw myself and my life reflected. From identifying with (and at times laughing out loud to!) the frustrating micro-aggressions that are all too common, to hearing the stories of other women and men whose lives are full of meaningful work, relationships and pursuits sans marriage partner, I felt affirmed and valued. Sometimes I feel a bit akin to an alien that has been dropped into this world of "matrimania" (Dr. DePaulo's word) and forced to adapt...but in these pages, I found my "mothership".

Let me be quick to say that I am not knocking partnership or marriage - even just this weekend, I have celebrated both marriages and engagements, and do not wish to detract anything from those who choose to make this commitment to one another. What I object to, however, is the societal notion that this is the only logical pursuit - and the only supremely valued relationship.

At another wedding recently, someone asked me: "So, do you have any special people back in Harrisburg?" I replied, with a smile: "I have many special people back in Harrisburg!" Which is absolutely true. I have friends who are like family to me, with whom I share backyard space, kitchen ingredients, meals, laughter and love. I have a job that aligns with my passions for eliminating racism and empowering women, which I pour myself into and find much fulfilment in. I am part of a neighborhood, a city and a church community which I deeply value, and which values me. I love my life, and I love being single; that is not something I should have to explain or justify. It is a badge that I wear with honor - something that I refuse to be ashamed of.

Enjoying sun, sand and solitude at the beach :)

Grateful

Last Christmas, a friend gave me a "gratefulness journal," which I was supposed to use with special attention to things I am grateful for. I pulled it out several months later to use as a therapeutic tool, at the suggestion of my counselor. There really is something that changes inside of you when you take the time to focus on and list the things that you are grateful for. Flipping through it now, I am struck most by the entries where gratitude was found even amidst a bad day or a difficult circumstance.

It's funny how that takes me back in time, and makes me even more grateful for where I am right now. Tonight was one of those nights that I couldn't help smiling and thinking to myself, "I love my life!" Nothing extraordinary happened - just relishing a night at home, doing my dishes in my slippers, rocking out to some good tunes and spontaneously making a new recipe. But these are often the times when I get to reflect, and see anew that life is good.

My life is not perfect, far from it - there are plenty of things that make me tired or grumpy or stressed out. But there are so many things I am grateful for. I have a job that enlivens me and allows me to pursue my passions. I have the privilege of being back in school, wrestling with the big questions and learning how to change the world. I have a home that is both my refuge and a gathering place for friends. I have a crazy/wonderful cat who keeps me company. I have enough of all that I need - and often more than enough.

And most of all, my life is full of people who care about me, and who I care deeply about. Whether in far-flung places or just up the street, I feel so privileged to share life with the amazing people who are my friends, my family, my community. You inspire me, encourage me, support me and make me laugh - and for this I am eternally grateful :)

A card I received from a friend this Thanksgiving :)