Being Present

Being present was one of those things that I didn't realize that I was missing until I found it again. I knew that I was hurried, busy, stressed and tired - which I tried to compensate for by turning on Netflix, scrolling through Facebook and trying to withdraw from the hurried pace of my life for a few hours at night before starting all over again the next day.

But binge-watching Netflix and mindlessly "liking" the never-ending news feed are not ways of being present - in fact, they're the exact opposite. In my attempt to disengage from that which was stressful, I went to the extreme of disengaging from that which was life-giving as well.

Without being present, it is impossible for me to know what it is I truly need - because I am not present even to myself. What I discovered, though, is that to truly be present to myself I must be present to those around me - those who love me, care for me and can remind me of what I need when I have forgotten.

This weekend came as a welcome reminder, as I got to spend time with many of those closest to me in celebrating my birthday. In the process, I received several gentle reminders - a "self-care package" from a thoughtful friend, and some pointed questions from another friend about how I was going to care for myself this week.

I was also finally able to be present at church this morning. Between blizzards, baptisms and staying in bed, it had been a full month since being at New Hope - and I felt a longing to return, to be present with these people and practice community together. From singing together and hearing a friend bring the sermon, to discussing budgetary challenges and catching up with people, community encompasses all of it - and I was so grateful to be back.

And I was reminded that being present to myself and being present to people go hand-in-hand. Spending time with close friends and church family brings me back to more of who I am. I cannot be my best and truest self by myself - it is in community, in sharing life with people, that I return to who I am and I continue to be molded into who I will be.

Part of being present is understanding how to simply BE. So many of my waking hours are focused on what I can DO - and what I must do, in order to accomplish the long list of tasks that greet me from my Outlook toolbar at the start of each work day. I produce, I accomplish, I direct, I lead - lots of action verbs keep me running throughout my days. So the temptation, then, when I finally get home is to convert to the passive - I consume, I veg, I lounge, I zonk out.

But isn't there something in between these two extremes - something to counterbalance the frantic, hectic pace of work and life, and the exhausted crash at the end of the day? I am reminded today that there is - it is simply BEING. In being present to myself, I can hear what it is that I really need - and allow that to direct how I spend my downtime.

This afternoon, I needed to sleep - so I took a 3-hour nap. My shoulders were in knots and my hip was sore, so I needed to do yoga. I needed to create an oasis before the week started - so I lit a scented candle, turned on some relaxing music and ate my dinner in contemplation. This contemplation led me to start writing this blog - so here I am.

Being present - to others and to myself - brings me back to my truest self, to the things that are most life-giving to me. Writing is one of those things - taking the time to connect the thoughts swirling around in my head in some coherent form so that I can share them.

I don't have it all figured out, but for today - for this moment - I am grateful for the people in my life who are present to me, and who remind me how to be present to myself.

Some of the contents of my "self-care package" - thank you, Megan! :)

Grateful

Last Christmas, a friend gave me a "gratefulness journal," which I was supposed to use with special attention to things I am grateful for. I pulled it out several months later to use as a therapeutic tool, at the suggestion of my counselor. There really is something that changes inside of you when you take the time to focus on and list the things that you are grateful for. Flipping through it now, I am struck most by the entries where gratitude was found even amidst a bad day or a difficult circumstance.

It's funny how that takes me back in time, and makes me even more grateful for where I am right now. Tonight was one of those nights that I couldn't help smiling and thinking to myself, "I love my life!" Nothing extraordinary happened - just relishing a night at home, doing my dishes in my slippers, rocking out to some good tunes and spontaneously making a new recipe. But these are often the times when I get to reflect, and see anew that life is good.

My life is not perfect, far from it - there are plenty of things that make me tired or grumpy or stressed out. But there are so many things I am grateful for. I have a job that enlivens me and allows me to pursue my passions. I have the privilege of being back in school, wrestling with the big questions and learning how to change the world. I have a home that is both my refuge and a gathering place for friends. I have a crazy/wonderful cat who keeps me company. I have enough of all that I need - and often more than enough.

And most of all, my life is full of people who care about me, and who I care deeply about. Whether in far-flung places or just up the street, I feel so privileged to share life with the amazing people who are my friends, my family, my community. You inspire me, encourage me, support me and make me laugh - and for this I am eternally grateful :)

A card I received from a friend this Thanksgiving :)