Being Present

Being present was one of those things that I didn't realize that I was missing until I found it again. I knew that I was hurried, busy, stressed and tired - which I tried to compensate for by turning on Netflix, scrolling through Facebook and trying to withdraw from the hurried pace of my life for a few hours at night before starting all over again the next day.

But binge-watching Netflix and mindlessly "liking" the never-ending news feed are not ways of being present - in fact, they're the exact opposite. In my attempt to disengage from that which was stressful, I went to the extreme of disengaging from that which was life-giving as well.

Without being present, it is impossible for me to know what it is I truly need - because I am not present even to myself. What I discovered, though, is that to truly be present to myself I must be present to those around me - those who love me, care for me and can remind me of what I need when I have forgotten.

This weekend came as a welcome reminder, as I got to spend time with many of those closest to me in celebrating my birthday. In the process, I received several gentle reminders - a "self-care package" from a thoughtful friend, and some pointed questions from another friend about how I was going to care for myself this week.

I was also finally able to be present at church this morning. Between blizzards, baptisms and staying in bed, it had been a full month since being at New Hope - and I felt a longing to return, to be present with these people and practice community together. From singing together and hearing a friend bring the sermon, to discussing budgetary challenges and catching up with people, community encompasses all of it - and I was so grateful to be back.

And I was reminded that being present to myself and being present to people go hand-in-hand. Spending time with close friends and church family brings me back to more of who I am. I cannot be my best and truest self by myself - it is in community, in sharing life with people, that I return to who I am and I continue to be molded into who I will be.

Part of being present is understanding how to simply BE. So many of my waking hours are focused on what I can DO - and what I must do, in order to accomplish the long list of tasks that greet me from my Outlook toolbar at the start of each work day. I produce, I accomplish, I direct, I lead - lots of action verbs keep me running throughout my days. So the temptation, then, when I finally get home is to convert to the passive - I consume, I veg, I lounge, I zonk out.

But isn't there something in between these two extremes - something to counterbalance the frantic, hectic pace of work and life, and the exhausted crash at the end of the day? I am reminded today that there is - it is simply BEING. In being present to myself, I can hear what it is that I really need - and allow that to direct how I spend my downtime.

This afternoon, I needed to sleep - so I took a 3-hour nap. My shoulders were in knots and my hip was sore, so I needed to do yoga. I needed to create an oasis before the week started - so I lit a scented candle, turned on some relaxing music and ate my dinner in contemplation. This contemplation led me to start writing this blog - so here I am.

Being present - to others and to myself - brings me back to my truest self, to the things that are most life-giving to me. Writing is one of those things - taking the time to connect the thoughts swirling around in my head in some coherent form so that I can share them.

I don't have it all figured out, but for today - for this moment - I am grateful for the people in my life who are present to me, and who remind me how to be present to myself.

Some of the contents of my "self-care package" - thank you, Megan! :)

Life Together

Perhaps it's the nip in the air, the sudden need for extra layers or the hot beverage in hand - but the brisk entry of fall this week has brought me back to this time two years ago, when I first felt the nudge to visit New Hope. I remember it being a chilly evening in October, but immediately feeling warmed and welcomed by the people I found there. Not one to make snap decisions, I nonetheless found myself being pulled quickly and completely into this community - and whole-heartedly embracing the life together that New Hope practices.

I remember that first Sunday feeling like, finally, I was being filled - that this was a place where God was present, and was pouring into me. As I deepened my relationships there, more and more I felt that I was being poured into by the people - the Body of Christ. And what is the difference, really? God works in and through God's people, the Church, and I have felt that in very real ways. These are people who know me deeply; who encourage and cheer me on when I am taking new steps; who support and pray for me when I'm having a rough time; who welcome me to their dinner tables and into their families; who laugh with me, cry with me, drink with me...who share life with me in all of the ups and downs. I am so grateful to be part of this life together at New Hope.

And I am grateful to experience community with people in different parts of my life. My Derry Street "crew" - although not all living on Derry Street anymore - makes me laugh more than anyone else in the world, and are like family to me - loving me, quirks and all. My closest friend, who I can text when I'm having a bad day and who will take a lunch break to let me vent - and make me feel better by the end of it. My longtime roommate who I don't see as often anymore, but with whom I can still pick up right where we left off. My boss and co-workers who keep me sane, and who I could not get through the hard days at work without. My community partners who have also become friends, as we share our passions and ideas and work to eliminate racism together.

I am grateful for all of you - for the ways that you hold me up when I am falling, and cheer me on when I am striving. My people, my community is what makes my life full and meaningful. And really, isn't that what God desires for us? Isn't that what communion symbolizes? Jesus did not break the bread and pour the cup as a ritual divorced from the people around him - he shared this practice at a dinner table with those closest to him. This act symbolized how in his life, and soon in his death, he continually poured himself out for them; for us. And we are to do the same for one another. We practice communion not merely by replicating this ritual, but by practicing life together.

"And this is communion: Here, with friends, the food feeds our bodies - and the people who break the bread and share life, who pour the cup and pray with us, feed our spirits." Amen.

Photo courtesy of Jennifer Schmidt @beautyandbedlam.

Singled Out

I get the same incredulous look when I have the audacity to make either of the following statements: "I'm going on vacation by myself," and "I am single." To respond to the disbelief and assert that I LIKE both of these arrangements - well, let's just say the vacation is an easier sell. Is it truly so hard to believe that not only do I prefer to go to the beach to enjoy some relaxation in solitude, but that I also choose to happily live my life without a significant other? I've found that this is indeed quite a stretch for most people I've encountered.

Which is why I found a kindred spirit in Dr. Bella DePaulo, another happily single woman who has dedicated her professional career to studying and writing about single people. Her book, "Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After" was a breath of fresh air, using both personal anecdotes and a load of scientific research to debunk all of the myths that are being daily perpetuated about single people.

Through those pages, I saw myself and my life reflected. From identifying with (and at times laughing out loud to!) the frustrating micro-aggressions that are all too common, to hearing the stories of other women and men whose lives are full of meaningful work, relationships and pursuits sans marriage partner, I felt affirmed and valued. Sometimes I feel a bit akin to an alien that has been dropped into this world of "matrimania" (Dr. DePaulo's word) and forced to adapt...but in these pages, I found my "mothership".

Let me be quick to say that I am not knocking partnership or marriage - even just this weekend, I have celebrated both marriages and engagements, and do not wish to detract anything from those who choose to make this commitment to one another. What I object to, however, is the societal notion that this is the only logical pursuit - and the only supremely valued relationship.

At another wedding recently, someone asked me: "So, do you have any special people back in Harrisburg?" I replied, with a smile: "I have many special people back in Harrisburg!" Which is absolutely true. I have friends who are like family to me, with whom I share backyard space, kitchen ingredients, meals, laughter and love. I have a job that aligns with my passions for eliminating racism and empowering women, which I pour myself into and find much fulfilment in. I am part of a neighborhood, a city and a church community which I deeply value, and which values me. I love my life, and I love being single; that is not something I should have to explain or justify. It is a badge that I wear with honor - something that I refuse to be ashamed of.

Enjoying sun, sand and solitude at the beach :)

Covenanting.

Today I took the step of "covenanting" with New Hope Community Church - making a formal commitment to share in life and ministry with this community that has already become so much a part of my life.

It was almost exactly a year ago, October 17th, when I e-mailed Lonna saying I'd like to come to New Hope. I had reached a point at Locust Lane where I felt like I wasn't being spiritually fed or challenged at all, and knew that I needed something more. Having visited New Hope a handful of times in the past, it came to mind as a place where I had felt embraced and challenged at the same time, and I had this inexplicably strong urge to go back.

I remember that first Sunday Pastor Tom spoke on the practice of foot-washing, and Lonna shared how doing dishes for someone is washing their feet; that's one of the many ways that we express love in community with one another. And I was hooked, because that's what I wanted, what I needed - a loving community of people of faith who cared about and for one another. And that is really what has drawn me deeper and deeper into New Hope - that I couldn't just come on Sunday mornings and then disappear - that community life is built into the core of church life, that we are involved in eachother's lives.

And community life is messy - we don't always agree and sometimes perspectives clash, but that is also part of the challenge of being the Body of Christ. One of my favorite sermons was on "harmony," and how we can't have harmony without differences - it is the coming together across those differences that creates harmony, and that is one of the things that I appreciate about New Hope, the willingness to recognize and engage our differences while still moving us forward as One Body.

I come as a life-long Mennonite, valuing peace, justice, simplicity and a concern for the poor; as a feminist, anti-racist and LGBT ally, believing that God is a God of love for ALL people, and that we are tasked with bringing the Kingdom by living out that love to those on the margins; and as someone deeply committed to community, the one that is being lived out here, in my neighborhood of Allison Hill and in the city of Harrisburg. I hope to join these values and commitments to the work of this church, and to continue to be embraced and challenged in living out my faith.

I am so grateful to each person who has brought me to this point - Lonna, Pastor Tom, the ladies of my small group and everyone who has welcomed me in and drawn me out as a member of this Body. I treasure the glimpses of the Kingdom that I have seen and continue to see at New Hope - crying together and laughing together; sharing our burdens and sharing our joys; tackling the complexities of how to read Scripture and follow Jesus; and letting our hearts be touched and our passions come alive.

This is not the end of my "quest," but really just the next step in an unfolding journey. Thank you to each of you for walking with me.

The candle that Lonna gave me at the covenanting ceremony, shining its light as the sun sets.

Grateful

Last Christmas, a friend gave me a "gratefulness journal," which I was supposed to use with special attention to things I am grateful for. I pulled it out several months later to use as a therapeutic tool, at the suggestion of my counselor. There really is something that changes inside of you when you take the time to focus on and list the things that you are grateful for. Flipping through it now, I am struck most by the entries where gratitude was found even amidst a bad day or a difficult circumstance.

It's funny how that takes me back in time, and makes me even more grateful for where I am right now. Tonight was one of those nights that I couldn't help smiling and thinking to myself, "I love my life!" Nothing extraordinary happened - just relishing a night at home, doing my dishes in my slippers, rocking out to some good tunes and spontaneously making a new recipe. But these are often the times when I get to reflect, and see anew that life is good.

My life is not perfect, far from it - there are plenty of things that make me tired or grumpy or stressed out. But there are so many things I am grateful for. I have a job that enlivens me and allows me to pursue my passions. I have the privilege of being back in school, wrestling with the big questions and learning how to change the world. I have a home that is both my refuge and a gathering place for friends. I have a crazy/wonderful cat who keeps me company. I have enough of all that I need - and often more than enough.

And most of all, my life is full of people who care about me, and who I care deeply about. Whether in far-flung places or just up the street, I feel so privileged to share life with the amazing people who are my friends, my family, my community. You inspire me, encourage me, support me and make me laugh - and for this I am eternally grateful :)

A card I received from a friend this Thanksgiving :)