Being Present

Being present was one of those things that I didn't realize that I was missing until I found it again. I knew that I was hurried, busy, stressed and tired - which I tried to compensate for by turning on Netflix, scrolling through Facebook and trying to withdraw from the hurried pace of my life for a few hours at night before starting all over again the next day.

But binge-watching Netflix and mindlessly "liking" the never-ending news feed are not ways of being present - in fact, they're the exact opposite. In my attempt to disengage from that which was stressful, I went to the extreme of disengaging from that which was life-giving as well.

Without being present, it is impossible for me to know what it is I truly need - because I am not present even to myself. What I discovered, though, is that to truly be present to myself I must be present to those around me - those who love me, care for me and can remind me of what I need when I have forgotten.

This weekend came as a welcome reminder, as I got to spend time with many of those closest to me in celebrating my birthday. In the process, I received several gentle reminders - a "self-care package" from a thoughtful friend, and some pointed questions from another friend about how I was going to care for myself this week.

I was also finally able to be present at church this morning. Between blizzards, baptisms and staying in bed, it had been a full month since being at New Hope - and I felt a longing to return, to be present with these people and practice community together. From singing together and hearing a friend bring the sermon, to discussing budgetary challenges and catching up with people, community encompasses all of it - and I was so grateful to be back.

And I was reminded that being present to myself and being present to people go hand-in-hand. Spending time with close friends and church family brings me back to more of who I am. I cannot be my best and truest self by myself - it is in community, in sharing life with people, that I return to who I am and I continue to be molded into who I will be.

Part of being present is understanding how to simply BE. So many of my waking hours are focused on what I can DO - and what I must do, in order to accomplish the long list of tasks that greet me from my Outlook toolbar at the start of each work day. I produce, I accomplish, I direct, I lead - lots of action verbs keep me running throughout my days. So the temptation, then, when I finally get home is to convert to the passive - I consume, I veg, I lounge, I zonk out.

But isn't there something in between these two extremes - something to counterbalance the frantic, hectic pace of work and life, and the exhausted crash at the end of the day? I am reminded today that there is - it is simply BEING. In being present to myself, I can hear what it is that I really need - and allow that to direct how I spend my downtime.

This afternoon, I needed to sleep - so I took a 3-hour nap. My shoulders were in knots and my hip was sore, so I needed to do yoga. I needed to create an oasis before the week started - so I lit a scented candle, turned on some relaxing music and ate my dinner in contemplation. This contemplation led me to start writing this blog - so here I am.

Being present - to others and to myself - brings me back to my truest self, to the things that are most life-giving to me. Writing is one of those things - taking the time to connect the thoughts swirling around in my head in some coherent form so that I can share them.

I don't have it all figured out, but for today - for this moment - I am grateful for the people in my life who are present to me, and who remind me how to be present to myself.

Some of the contents of my "self-care package" - thank you, Megan! :)

Life Together

Perhaps it's the nip in the air, the sudden need for extra layers or the hot beverage in hand - but the brisk entry of fall this week has brought me back to this time two years ago, when I first felt the nudge to visit New Hope. I remember it being a chilly evening in October, but immediately feeling warmed and welcomed by the people I found there. Not one to make snap decisions, I nonetheless found myself being pulled quickly and completely into this community - and whole-heartedly embracing the life together that New Hope practices.

I remember that first Sunday feeling like, finally, I was being filled - that this was a place where God was present, and was pouring into me. As I deepened my relationships there, more and more I felt that I was being poured into by the people - the Body of Christ. And what is the difference, really? God works in and through God's people, the Church, and I have felt that in very real ways. These are people who know me deeply; who encourage and cheer me on when I am taking new steps; who support and pray for me when I'm having a rough time; who welcome me to their dinner tables and into their families; who laugh with me, cry with me, drink with me...who share life with me in all of the ups and downs. I am so grateful to be part of this life together at New Hope.

And I am grateful to experience community with people in different parts of my life. My Derry Street "crew" - although not all living on Derry Street anymore - makes me laugh more than anyone else in the world, and are like family to me - loving me, quirks and all. My closest friend, who I can text when I'm having a bad day and who will take a lunch break to let me vent - and make me feel better by the end of it. My longtime roommate who I don't see as often anymore, but with whom I can still pick up right where we left off. My boss and co-workers who keep me sane, and who I could not get through the hard days at work without. My community partners who have also become friends, as we share our passions and ideas and work to eliminate racism together.

I am grateful for all of you - for the ways that you hold me up when I am falling, and cheer me on when I am striving. My people, my community is what makes my life full and meaningful. And really, isn't that what God desires for us? Isn't that what communion symbolizes? Jesus did not break the bread and pour the cup as a ritual divorced from the people around him - he shared this practice at a dinner table with those closest to him. This act symbolized how in his life, and soon in his death, he continually poured himself out for them; for us. And we are to do the same for one another. We practice communion not merely by replicating this ritual, but by practicing life together.

"And this is communion: Here, with friends, the food feeds our bodies - and the people who break the bread and share life, who pour the cup and pray with us, feed our spirits." Amen.

Photo courtesy of Jennifer Schmidt @beautyandbedlam.

Dear Church: Be a Place that Embraces

I entered Elizabethtown Mennonite Church with trepidation, unsure of how this process would unfold or how comfortable I would feel speaking to the question of whether Lancaster Mennonite Conference should leave Mennonite Church USA over the "issue" of homosexuality. Looking around the packed sanctuary to see a sea of white faces, gray hair and a smattering of coverings, I definitely felt out of my element.

As we began, however, I was surprised and impressed with the process for the listening session - the care taken to split several hundred people into small groups for discussion, and the sincere desire to get feedback from each person in attendance. I was the only woman in my group and definitely the youngest, and yet I was again surprised by the diversity of opinions shared. There were things that I agreed with and things that I did not, but it was an honest and respectful conversation, which I had not anticipated.

As each group leader went up to the mic to report on what was said, I was struck by a number of things. There was not at all a clear consensus - in fact, it seemed almost evenly split between those who wanted to leave and those who wanted to stay. However, I heard nearly everyone echo a commitment to Biblical values - code for defining "homosexuality" as a sin - which was the underlying assumption of those gathered. So it was not this most fundamental question that was being addressed, but rather the question of what Lancaster Conference should do to best uphold this particular Biblical understanding.

Listening to all of this, what it seemed to come down to was that those wanting to leave saw this "issue" in black and white, and felt a moral imperative to separate themselves from what they saw as a slippery slope leading them to accepting "sin". Whereas those who wanted to stay, while having this same Biblical understanding, also recognized that we will never agree on everything and in fact diversity and differences of opinion are a positive thing. They were willing to live in the tensions, and felt that there is value in holding onto unity amidst differences - focusing on what brings us together rather than what separates us.

On the question at hand - to leave or not to leave - I would fall in the latter category...as you might imagine, I am all about living in the tensions and seeing shades of gray. And as Pastor Tom has articulated so well in past sermons, harmony in the midst of differences is truly a powerful thing for a church to embody. However, to be honest I don't know what the best direction for Lancaster Conference is, because I take issue with the fundamental assumption that everyone in that room was operating on.

My vision for Church - not just Lancaster Conference or MC USA, but the Body of Christ - is to be a place that is openly accepting and affirming of LGBTQ people; that rejects a reading of Scripture which labels the identities people are born with as "sin," and instead holds to a Biblical understanding which embraces people of all sexual orientations and gender identities as created by God and equal in every way. 

I would venture to say that all of us long to be seen and embraced for who we are. If there is any place where that should be true, it is Church. Pastor Tom often says that "confession" is naming who we are and what we bring. None of us want to be defined solely by any one of our identities - we want to be seen as whole people. Yet neither do we want to feel that we must hide any piece of ourselves out of fear that we might be rejected. So please, Church, be the place where we can bring our whole selves - and be loved and embraced for all of who we are.

My "Love One Another" t-shirt from the Human Rights Campaign.

Covenanting.

Today I took the step of "covenanting" with New Hope Community Church - making a formal commitment to share in life and ministry with this community that has already become so much a part of my life.

It was almost exactly a year ago, October 17th, when I e-mailed Lonna saying I'd like to come to New Hope. I had reached a point at Locust Lane where I felt like I wasn't being spiritually fed or challenged at all, and knew that I needed something more. Having visited New Hope a handful of times in the past, it came to mind as a place where I had felt embraced and challenged at the same time, and I had this inexplicably strong urge to go back.

I remember that first Sunday Pastor Tom spoke on the practice of foot-washing, and Lonna shared how doing dishes for someone is washing their feet; that's one of the many ways that we express love in community with one another. And I was hooked, because that's what I wanted, what I needed - a loving community of people of faith who cared about and for one another. And that is really what has drawn me deeper and deeper into New Hope - that I couldn't just come on Sunday mornings and then disappear - that community life is built into the core of church life, that we are involved in eachother's lives.

And community life is messy - we don't always agree and sometimes perspectives clash, but that is also part of the challenge of being the Body of Christ. One of my favorite sermons was on "harmony," and how we can't have harmony without differences - it is the coming together across those differences that creates harmony, and that is one of the things that I appreciate about New Hope, the willingness to recognize and engage our differences while still moving us forward as One Body.

I come as a life-long Mennonite, valuing peace, justice, simplicity and a concern for the poor; as a feminist, anti-racist and LGBT ally, believing that God is a God of love for ALL people, and that we are tasked with bringing the Kingdom by living out that love to those on the margins; and as someone deeply committed to community, the one that is being lived out here, in my neighborhood of Allison Hill and in the city of Harrisburg. I hope to join these values and commitments to the work of this church, and to continue to be embraced and challenged in living out my faith.

I am so grateful to each person who has brought me to this point - Lonna, Pastor Tom, the ladies of my small group and everyone who has welcomed me in and drawn me out as a member of this Body. I treasure the glimpses of the Kingdom that I have seen and continue to see at New Hope - crying together and laughing together; sharing our burdens and sharing our joys; tackling the complexities of how to read Scripture and follow Jesus; and letting our hearts be touched and our passions come alive.

This is not the end of my "quest," but really just the next step in an unfolding journey. Thank you to each of you for walking with me.

The candle that Lonna gave me at the covenanting ceremony, shining its light as the sun sets.

Safe Spaces

How do we create safe spaces in the Church for people to be who they are? This is something that's been on my mind a lot lately, specifically in relation to the LGBT community. Many denominations, including the Mennonites, have been in upheaval around the issue of whether and to what extent people who identify as lesbian, gay, bi-sexual or transgender are welcome in our church communities.

Sadly, neither of the two churches of which I am currently a part openly welcome the LGBT community. One church is certainly more progressive, with many people who believe strongly in embracing these sisters and brothers of ours. However, it is constrained by the dictates of Lancaster Mennonite Conference, and more importantly by a wide range of views on the issue within the congregation, including those who would oppose welcoming this community.

However, in this church there are safe spaces to talk about it, one of which came when a group of us went to Landisville Mennonite Church several weeks ago to see Ted & Company's presentation of "Learning to Play: A (Timely) Conversation about Sexuality & the Church." The genesis of this event was to create exactly such a space - to inject humor and heart into a topic that can be very divisive, and open up an opportunity for honest conversation. It was brilliantly performed, as we saw this "issue" through the eyes of a parent who wrestles with his son's coming out, and the mixed messages he receives from the Church. 

In the "talk-back" that followed in the packed sanctuary, people haltingly came to the mic to share their reflections - in bits and pieces giving us a glimpse of what an honest conversation could be. And in our own "talk-back" at a local restaurant afterwards, we asked "what does this mean for OUR church? How do we take this back?" Although united in the belief that as a church we should be welcoming ALL people and affirming their God-given identities, how do you start that conversation amidst other priorities, pending transitions and anticipated push-back? Would bringing this up create a rift that couldn't be bridged? Yet how can we remain silent?

Ironically, silence is exactly the strategy I have been using at the other church I belong to in order to create a safe space for these same conversations. Maybe that sounds contradictory, but in this much-more-conservative ex-Mennonite congregation, I have endured many-a-sermon railing against "homosexuals" as sinners who are going to hell, without feeling like I can say anything because those who remain in the church hold those beliefs and would not be moved. 

However, my silence on this topic with the larger congregation has enabled me to create a safe space with a smaller group within the congregation - and we have just finished several weeks of looking together at what the Bible really says (and doesn't say) about "homosexuality" and the LGBT community. The agitator in me is tempted to ignite this conversation with the rest of the church, and take whatever fall-out will come with it. But I know that breaking my silence with the larger church will also destroy the safe space that we have created - and that is too high a price to pay.

It hate that this is a choice I face at all - but even as I feel silenced, I know that it is nothing compared to all of the LGBT people in churches across the nation who must hide or deny who they are in order to remain accepted. Who must hear over and over again condemnation and hate directed towards them - and told that it is from God! Who must choose between their identity and their spirituality, with either choice causing a part of them to die inside.

What kind of a messed-up Body of Christ are we? We are supposed to be a place of refuge, of healing and hope, unconditional love and acceptance - and instead we are the ones inflicting such deep wounds onto our LGBT sisters and brothers, people created in the image of our God. We must repent and truly embody who God is calling us to be - a Church that will "do justice, love mercy and walk humbly with our God" (Micah 6:8). This is an opportunity to practice true "harmony," found not the absence of conflict, but in the coming together across differences - with a healthy dose of grace. Are we up to the task, Church? Do we have the humility and courage to do it?

For Additional Reflection & Exploration...

• Incredibly helpful and well-researched booklet entitled "What the Bible Says - and Doesn't Say - about Homosexuality" that examines each passage within its cultural and historical context. The $3 is well worth it!
• Insightful (although dated) documentary "For the Bible Tells Me So" powerfully illustrates the Church's negative impact on LGBT people by following several families as they respond to their children coming out, and examines what the Bible actually says on this issue. Can be rented on YouTube for $2.99.
• Video featured on the It Gets Better website of a lesbian woman sharing her story of growing up in the Church and being rejected for being gay, coming to reconcile her identity with her faith and ultimately becoming a pastor creating safe spaces for others in the Church.
• Music Video for "Same Love" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, which powerfully speaks to this as an issue of equality, and calls out the Church for its role in oppression of the LGBT community.
• TED Talk called "50 Shades of Gay" that features an LGBT woman who uses her story and her photography to put thousands of human faces on what is often treated as an impersonal "issue".

A New Posture of Worship

What do you do with your hands during worship-time at church? I usually vacillate between gently beating out the tempo on the back of the pew in front of me, putting them in my back pockets if I'm wearing jeans, or occasionally lifting them up when something moves me.

Yesterday, I had a different experience. At the new church I've been attending, they offer hot beverages - and while usually only a "social" tea drinker, coming in from the bitter cold I welcomed having a steaming cup of tea to warm my hands.

As I joined in the worship time, my hands stayed wrapped around this fount of warmth, and taking the occasional sip I felt my whole body warming up. Singing words of seeking God and surrendering to God felt different from this posture - my hands were folded and still, but also open to receive and be filled. It felt as if I was offering something of myself up to God, and God was filling me in all parts of my being; symbolized by the warmth spreading throughout my body.

This gave me pause because for the first time in a long time I truly felt like I was being poured into, that I was receiving the spiritual nourishment that I hadn't even realized I'd been missing. But with a mug in my hands, I recognized that - and I was grateful.

What my hands probably looked like...
Courtesy of Beauty Haven