Being Present

Being present was one of those things that I didn't realize that I was missing until I found it again. I knew that I was hurried, busy, stressed and tired - which I tried to compensate for by turning on Netflix, scrolling through Facebook and trying to withdraw from the hurried pace of my life for a few hours at night before starting all over again the next day.

But binge-watching Netflix and mindlessly "liking" the never-ending news feed are not ways of being present - in fact, they're the exact opposite. In my attempt to disengage from that which was stressful, I went to the extreme of disengaging from that which was life-giving as well.

Without being present, it is impossible for me to know what it is I truly need - because I am not present even to myself. What I discovered, though, is that to truly be present to myself I must be present to those around me - those who love me, care for me and can remind me of what I need when I have forgotten.

This weekend came as a welcome reminder, as I got to spend time with many of those closest to me in celebrating my birthday. In the process, I received several gentle reminders - a "self-care package" from a thoughtful friend, and some pointed questions from another friend about how I was going to care for myself this week.

I was also finally able to be present at church this morning. Between blizzards, baptisms and staying in bed, it had been a full month since being at New Hope - and I felt a longing to return, to be present with these people and practice community together. From singing together and hearing a friend bring the sermon, to discussing budgetary challenges and catching up with people, community encompasses all of it - and I was so grateful to be back.

And I was reminded that being present to myself and being present to people go hand-in-hand. Spending time with close friends and church family brings me back to more of who I am. I cannot be my best and truest self by myself - it is in community, in sharing life with people, that I return to who I am and I continue to be molded into who I will be.

Part of being present is understanding how to simply BE. So many of my waking hours are focused on what I can DO - and what I must do, in order to accomplish the long list of tasks that greet me from my Outlook toolbar at the start of each work day. I produce, I accomplish, I direct, I lead - lots of action verbs keep me running throughout my days. So the temptation, then, when I finally get home is to convert to the passive - I consume, I veg, I lounge, I zonk out.

But isn't there something in between these two extremes - something to counterbalance the frantic, hectic pace of work and life, and the exhausted crash at the end of the day? I am reminded today that there is - it is simply BEING. In being present to myself, I can hear what it is that I really need - and allow that to direct how I spend my downtime.

This afternoon, I needed to sleep - so I took a 3-hour nap. My shoulders were in knots and my hip was sore, so I needed to do yoga. I needed to create an oasis before the week started - so I lit a scented candle, turned on some relaxing music and ate my dinner in contemplation. This contemplation led me to start writing this blog - so here I am.

Being present - to others and to myself - brings me back to my truest self, to the things that are most life-giving to me. Writing is one of those things - taking the time to connect the thoughts swirling around in my head in some coherent form so that I can share them.

I don't have it all figured out, but for today - for this moment - I am grateful for the people in my life who are present to me, and who remind me how to be present to myself.

Some of the contents of my "self-care package" - thank you, Megan! :)

Full

Friday I felt stretched to my limit - between an especially hectic day at work to end a hectic week, and the constant financial stress of figuring out how I was going to make it until my next paycheck, I was exhausted; absolutely spent, and felt like I could've burst into tears at any moment. And I had a two-hour drive ahead of me to Philly to spend the weekend with my family, which I didn't feel like I even had the energy for. To make matters worse, I had put in enough gas to get me there - or so I thought.

But stuck in traffic getting into the city, my gas light came on - and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. No gas stations in sight, and nowhere to go on the bumper-to-bumper expressway. I found myself half-praying, half trying to make deals with God: "If I can just make it off the highway...if I can just make it to the next gas station...if I can just make it home..." Regardless of the manner of my (somewhat desperate) requests, I made it to my parents' house - breathing a huge sigh of relief, and a very grateful "thank you" to God.

I had arrived on "E" in more ways than one, but the surprising thing was that this was exactly where I needed to be. I did not ask my parents to bail me out, nor even tried to explain my current situation. Yet they demonstrated an understanding that was very unexpected, and offered me just what I needed - a full tank of gas, groceries and other household things that I just haven't been able to buy, and perhaps most importantly, the peace of mind of being cared for and not having to worry for a little while.

Although family relationships have never been the easiest for me, I felt so grateful for these people who had given me life, and continue to provide for me in so many ways. It reminds me of the verse where Jesus talks about how even as a parent loves to give good gifts to their children, so much more does God love to give good gifts to us. God, through my parents, was caring for me. I had come empty, but was leaving full - a tank full of gas, a trunk full of groceries, and a heart full of love.

Full tank :) Courtesy of H3Daily.com